A continued walk with the Lord

It's been awhile since I've written...not because I didn't have anything to say (most of you know me better than that), but we have just been busy.  I know excuses, excuses.
 This past Sunday....at the tender age of 43...I got water baptized for the first time in my life.  When I was standing back stage watching the other people get baptized, I got chills watching each person get baptized....when it was my turn....well let's just say it was very emotional for me.  What made this even better is my buddy Shane Stokes was getting baptized also for the first time in his life, and Shane is a little older than me.  SO we shared some laughs about being the only 2 adult men getting baptized with the small kids and youth.

Since my last blog, I have continued to go to our Mens prayer groups each Wendensday (except the week i was sick and the next week when we were in San Antonio).  Our group was up to around 24 today...biggest group we have had so far. God is so Good.  He put each of these men into my life for a reason.  They have been great Christian examples for me.

In the past I have struggled with accepting God's forgiveness.....I made decisions several years ago, that hurt my family...my kids, my parents and most importantly my wife...decisions that almost cost me my marriage to Shawna.  For some reason she held on...most women would have ran away as fast as they could possibly go.  Was it a mid-life crisis?? was I pushed into those decisions??  No, I was just stupid and let the evil of the world get inside my head and tell me that "it's ok...everyone does it"...."don't worry about it".....etc...

We went to wonderful Christian counselor who helped us tremendously...W.K....I will always be grateful.  But this issue of forgiveness was a terrible burden for me to bear.   A burden that quite literally held me back from being a Christian.  After re-dedicating my life to the Lord several months ago, I finally realized that no sin was too big for our God to bear.  Jesus died for my sons....ALL OF THEM. It took me awhile to realize this but I think i finally understand and even though I am totally un-worthy of that kind of sacrifice, I accept it.

I've thougth about that terrible night when Shawna found out and I had to confess to her what happened, and if she would have reacted the way most people would have reacted, how much different my life would be right now.  Austin would have never surprised us.  I more than likely would not have found my way back into Church...I wouldn't be able to see my beautiful daughter every day.  Those thougths scare me to death. So Jesus obviosuly comforted her and allowed her the strength to get through that time and even the strength to pray for me. I will never be able to make Shawna know how thankful I am for that.

When you mess up and things become public, it is really hard to keep your head up.  When you see the look in the eyes of your kids when you mess up to that extent, it is hard take. My boys forgave me, even though they don't understand why I did what I did.  It was hard for me to accept that i had to ask my boys to do as I say not as I do.  Tough pill to swallow.

All that is water under the bridge as they say......things are great in my life and i finally understand and accept the forgiveness that has been offered to me. I continue my walk and even though there will be occasional bumps in the road, I have noticed that I am much more apt to pray when things get rough than complain.  Not sure why i went back and discussed several years ago...just felt like it was important enough I guess.

Wow...this is not how I intended this Blog to go...I'm a private person and details of my short comings are tough for me to share.  But in the spirit of opening up my life, i will type the words that God puts in my heart. 

In Christ

Kevin
03/27/12

Being Tested

Feb 8th is the day I emailed our pastor, Lonny Robbins, to tell him that I would be willing to share my experiences with our church.  I felt a public confession would be good for me and it might help others who had been struggling with the same doubts.  He emailed me back on Feb 10th and said he wanted me to speak on Sunday Feb 12th.....my birthday. What better way to end start a new year than to share this kind of joy with others.  I agreed to do it. 

Let me tell you something, Satan didn't like it one bit.  That old master deciever started working on me immediately. That very night, on the way from Childress, a truck in front of me had a blow out and I ended up running over a huge piece of tire tread that flipped up and cracked our bumper and knocked out a fog light on our nearly new Sienna. Price Tag $1,050.  How much is our deductible?? $1,000.  That night after we got home, Ethan decided he wanted some hot chocolate, so he put a pan of water on to boil, but forgot about....awhile later, he remembered, but i guess the burner had been on so long it cracked our glass stove top....Price Tag for that $250.  The next day, the day before I was supposed to talk at church, Carsyn and Austin both started running fever......

Saturday nigth i asked Shawna what she wanted to do?  We couldnt take the kids to church....I didnt want to give my testimony without Shawna being there.....should i just call Pastor Lonny and re-schedule?? We decided NO....I was going to speak and she was going to be there.  Luckily my mom and dad came over and watched the kids for us that Sunday Morning. 

That sunday morning before i spoke, a new friend of mine Kurt West (and a great christian) and I were talking...I kinda laughed and told him how much i was being tested and he reminded me that Satan would work relentlessly on me to try and make me think i made the wrong decision.....and if he couldnt get to me he would go after my family.....it made me realize how much prayer means to my family.

I have to pray that my family is also able to fight off the deciever at all costs...that is where it my job as the family spiritual leader comes in to pray daily over my wife and my children and over the thresholds of our doors...that evil does not enter our house.

I have kinda settled in to this new aspect of my life and even though i dont write as often as i once did, i am still praying daily and I am still attending our wednesday prayer meetings at 6:00 am....I long for new insights and new ideas.......I want God to continue to move in me so that i can impact my family in a spiritual way...its not easy...we all get busy...we all get hit from different directions....we just have to remember to sit aside some time each day...several times a day to drop to our knees to thank God for all the goodness and pray for his help and guidance to keep evil away from our homes.

In Christ,

Kev
2/20/12

I can't believe the difference

I had the opportunity this past Sunday to share with our church what God has been doing in my life.  I cannot believe how easy it was to jump up and get on stage and tell the church what has been going on.  It was perhaps the most liberating moment of my life.  I told our church that several years ago, I had pushed God so far out of my life, that I allowed satan to put negative thoughts into my head.  Those negative thoughts led to immoral thoughts and those immoral thougths led to immoral actions.  I told how I had the hurt the very people that meant the most to me...my family.

I didnt feel condemned by anyone in the church.  I am almost postive there are still some people that doubt the changes God has done in me.  There will always be people that doubt my ability to be a good christian man and the spiritual leader of our home.  I have been attending our wednesday morning prayer group at 6:00 am.  Wednesdays are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week.

Our group usually meet first and talk about prayer requests or things that are going in the church, then we disburse throughout the sanctuary and pray on our own.  This morning, as soon as I knelt, I felt an overpowering presence with me...I have NEVER felt that before in my life. There is no doubt that God is moving in me.

I have heard of people having this experience and they say you just see things differently.  I can honestly say that my view of things has changed. I have prayed more the last 6 weeks than i have ever prayed before. Things dont bother me as much.  I am slower to show my temper.  I am praying for people on a daily basis.  Shawna is amazed at the difference and i amazed at how much closer i feel to her.

I have realized how many times in  my life i have missed the opportunity to help someone, pray for someone or just be there for someone.  I am trying to seize those opportunities now.  I have even started praying over loan decisions....not praying that God will tell me whether to approve or deny a loan request....but praying that i will make the best decision possible for the bank and the customer.  That is new to me.

Shawna was amazed that i was able to get up in front of the church and so easily express what God has done to me.  I have to say that it was very exhilerating and I will share my testimony any time Pastor Lonny wants me to, without hesitation or fear.

I wish everyone could experience the feeling that i have...I do understand the term "born again".....
If you have read this and are in need of prayer for anything, please let me know....I will gladly pray for you.

In Christ,

Kev

Leap of Faith

Tomorrow I am taking, what to me is, the ultimate leap of faith.  God continues to move in me and I mentioned to our Pastor that I would be willing to give a testemonial at church if he felt it was the right thing to do.  He said he thought it was a great idea and asked me to do it tomorrow.  Of course, my head said no, but my heart said yes....I have been thinking about what I am going to say tomorrow and how it will be received.  I refuse to write a speech and read it....I have decided I will make a brief outline of the points I want to make and just wing it from there.  I pray that God puts the rest of the words there and it comes like HE wants to come out.

I'm equally nervous and excited.  This Christian journey is a long one and as I have said before, it is a journey and not a destination. 

I'm sure my heart will be pounding out of my chest tomorrow morning when he calls me up to the front...I will more than likely forget some of the things I want to say....but I know God will be with me with up there.  He brought me to it...he will most certainly see me through it.

In Christ,

Kev

The journey continues

Today, our pastor read my 2nd blog to our congragation at chruch.  It was a stange thing to hear my words being said from the pulpit.  I was proud of where God has brought me from the day I wrote those words.  God has continued to work in my heart.  I know there is no turning back now, and even if I COULD turn back, I wouldn't turn back.  This just feels too good.

Shane Stokes has been my prayer partner this week and he has been such a blessing to me.  His words of encouragment have been awesome.  Shane is good man and a good Christian.  I am blessed to be able to call him a friend.

This issue of fogiveness has been at the fore front of thoughts....I needed to know God has truly forgiven me for my past sins, and I can honestly say He has. The Bible is very clear on this subject.

I have felt compelled and even excited about sharing my story with our church through some kind of testimony...I will see if God allows me the opportunity to do so.  I know if given the chance I would do it. I dont think I am the only person that has struggled with these thoughts.  So if my testimony can help even one person it would be the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Shawna has been so supportive of me, and she has prayed for God to move in my life for awhile now...I would not be here without her support.  As I said in one of my earlier blogs, this is a journey and not a destination, and the journey is only beginning. It just feels so good and it feels so right.

All I had to do is say YES!!!

This morning, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone.  Every Wednesday morning at 6:00 a group of men from our church meet in the sanctuary of our church for prayer.  I told our pastor I would be there, I did not want to let him down.  So I got up at 5:00, showered, dressed and made the short drive to church.  And although I thought several times, it would be much safer to just turn around and go home, I persevered. So with my heart practically beating out of my chest, I entered the church and made the walk to the sanctuary.

What I found was 11 other men and the wonderful spirit of Jesus moving through the church.  I was instantly welcomed with open arms and in just a matter of a few minutes, I knew I was where I belonged.  We discussed some prayer requests and then split up and knelt before God and prayed. Now I've been a christian a long time, but I have never prayed like I prayed today.  The words came so easy and the thoughts seemed so clear....it was an incredible experience and one I will never forget.

After our prayers we all got together at the front of the church I felt compelled to tell the other men what God had been doing in my life for the last few months.  I had my whole speech prepared and even briefly went over my Dale Carnegie training, so i would make sure to get all my thoughts organized.  Well, after about 2 words, it was evident that God had his own agenda....I started crying as I was talking about what God had been doing.  Not just crying, but basically being a blubbering idiot (at least that is how i felt).
It was perhaps the most liberating moment of my spritual life....after I said my speech, the men gathered around me and one other man and prayed over us....it was wonderful.  There were some things said that I needed to hear this morning, and I know those messages were straight from God.  I look foward to going next week.

Public prayer for me has always been difficult...mainly because the right words never seem to be there.  As I accept God's moving, I know this will become easier and easier and I look forward to that.

I have shared my experiences with several people recently...opening up about my struggles and how at times in my life I blamed God for not trying hard enough to open me up.  Of course, God was always right there.  All I had to do was say yes. I seemed to always keep God just far enough away for me to remain comfortable....well, I'm tired of being comfortable....I want more.  I have received a taste of what God can offer me and I want more.  So, this is me saying YES to GOD. 

My family deserves a spiritual leader.  My God demands that I become that spiritual leader.  I want to be that spiritual leader.....YES YES YES!!!!  Give me more, God.  Give me the guidance I need to become that leader. 

WOW

Well, what a week it has been! I wrote my first blog on Monday and I am really surprised how many people have commented about it.  I've had people come up to me and tell me how surprised they were, but the support from everyone has been overwhelming. I have to say the only reason i started writing these blogs was to make my intentions public so I would be more accountable.

I have to say that I am seeing the world much differently now. I know it may sound cliche', but it's true.  I find myself with more patience and things that bothered me before just don't bother me anymore.  Is it possible for God to change me that quickly?

I have to tell you a true story that happened to me today.  As you may remember the movie Courageous had a huge impact on me.  In that movie, the main character's daughter asks her dad to dance with her at the park.  But he declines and says "people are watching".  He later regrets that decision.  Today I took Carsyn to the high school to watch Ethan practice baseball.  We were sitting on the front row of the stands right behind home plate watching the boys practice and they had some music playing over the speaker system.  Carsyn, out of the blue, says "Daddy, dance with me"...she said "this is our dance floor", pointing to the walk way in front of the front row.  Now there would have been a time, I would have said the same thing...."there are people watching".  But today, I didn't hesitate for one second....I stood up and danced with her.  We danced for 2 songs, and I couldn't care less who saw my poor dance moves....at that moment, all that mattered was the look in Carsyn's eyes.  She could not have been happier.  I twirled her around and around and she said "after the dance is over, we have to hug and kiss".....perhaps, I would have missed out on that moment if things were not different.  I know that we made a memory that will last a lifetime, and that is all that matters.

I have felt God moving me this week to try and mend some broken relationships. So I reached out to one person that I used to be friends with, but we had gone our separate ways.  Not sure what will happen with that, but I feel like it was the right thing to do. So we will see what happens.

Tomorrow is Sunday and for the first time in I a long time, I am excited to be going to church.  I can't wait to get there as a matter of fact.

Thanks for everyone that has supported me this week.  It means the world to me, and it just drives home the fact that I am doing the right thing.

In Christ.....Kev
1/28/12