Well, I have a feeling this may be a little painful, but here goes. First of all I have been a "christian" pretty much my whole life. I asked forgiveness for my sins at an early age, maybe too young to fully understand what I was asking for. Ok, so I've been a "christian" all my life.....but I've never really given myself to God. I have fought against that in many ways for various reasons through my life. Oh, God has tried to pull me in, but I have always been able to push just hard enough to keep him at a distance.
I have asked myself many times (more lately) why would God even love me?? Why is God tugging at me??I mean, I am a sinner. If the Ten Commandments were a test and each commandment honored was worth 10 points, I wouldn't have enough points to even pass a test! That's right, F A I L U R E!! Grade of F.
I do not want to confuse being a Christian to going to Church....but more times than not I will look for every reason in the world NOT to go to church. Too Windy, Too Cold, Too much going on, Don't feel good, It's just too much trouble. TOO MUCH TROUBLE...... So....God sends his ONLY son JESUS CHRIST to die for my sins, and I can't manage to drag myself out of bed to go honor God for 2 hours on Sunday because it is TOO MUCH TROUBLE. JESUS has nails driven through his wrists and feet, a crown of thorns shoved into his head, is mocked, beaten, hung on a cross until he dies..and I can't make the effort to go to church because it is "TOO MUCH TROUBLE". Well guess what....Jeremiah 31:34 states "And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins".
I have spent my adult life in and out of churches....often times going and trying to get involved, and then "falling off the wagon" and not going for long periods of time. Shawna and I now attend Trinity Fellowship, which is a wonderful church with a sweet spirit. God does move in that church every time I am there. Of course I usually spend the time fighting God....sometimes I feel led to raise my hands during worship service, only to be unable to let go of the back of the chair in front of me. When the invitation is made to come forward to pray with a prayer partner, I often feel led to go...but my legs wont listen to my heart and I stay put. Why is that??? Is it fear? But what I am afraid of...someone seeing me go down there or is it that I am afraid of what will happen to me spiritually when I get down there?? More to come later on that subject.
My blog from yesterday said I wanted to me the spiritual leader in my family. After Shawna read my blog, she told me she has been praying for that for the last few weeks. (No wonder God has been tugging at me). For me to that spiritual leader, I need to know what it is that is holding me back from just letting go and letting God take control of my life. Once I can figure out me, I think it will help me move on the next step.
So, that is my dilemma...how on earth could God love me, forgive me and care about me when I continue to push him away? Why is God leading me down this new path in my life? So many questions....and so many answers to come......
In Christ.
Kev
Psalm 143:8
ReplyDeleteKevin, I understand your story and your walk. I think spiritual growth comes in time. I think it a a rare person who can grasp the full extent of what it means to be a Christian at a young age. Maybe we never completely complete that journey because his love for us surpasses all human understanding. I have always been a Christian too, as long as I can remember, but over the last 5 to 10 years, my faith has grown tremendously. I go to Hillside Christian Church and while it is not the same as Trinity, I think they try to reach people for Christ in similar ways. I think that makes a huge difference, it has for me anyway. God is patient and he knows our hearts. We were made to worship. I put my hands up every Sunday during worship and sometimes tears will run down my face. It is a very emotional time for me. I always feel blessed and I always feel a connection with the LORD. I just want to encourage you in your walk. Be patient with yourself, but also chanllenge yourself. I think you will be surprised. I think you starting this blog is an excellent way to reflect on your thoughts and it is courageous of you to put them out there.
ReplyDeleteKevin, this is Danny but logged in as Lori. Dude congratulations first of all God is doing a wonderful work in your life. I want to encourage you in this. One thing you must remember is that Christ died while we where yet sinners and His life and righteousness is given to us when we repent and trust in Him. God loves us BECAUSE of Christ it's too amazing for words.So trust in Jesus, read and obey the Bible and find Godly people to give you biblical counsel and this new path will lead you to take the next step.
ReplyDeleteIn Christs Love,
Danny
Danny, this means a great deal to me...the fact that you took time to read and comment...man i appreciate it. Thank you very much.
ReplyDelete