It's been awhile since I've written...not because I didn't have anything to say (most of you know me better than that), but we have just been busy. I know excuses, excuses.
This past Sunday....at the tender age of 43...I got water baptized for the first time in my life. When I was standing back stage watching the other people get baptized, I got chills watching each person get baptized....when it was my turn....well let's just say it was very emotional for me. What made this even better is my buddy Shane Stokes was getting baptized also for the first time in his life, and Shane is a little older than me. SO we shared some laughs about being the only 2 adult men getting baptized with the small kids and youth.
Since my last blog, I have continued to go to our Mens prayer groups each Wendensday (except the week i was sick and the next week when we were in San Antonio). Our group was up to around 24 today...biggest group we have had so far. God is so Good. He put each of these men into my life for a reason. They have been great Christian examples for me.
In the past I have struggled with accepting God's forgiveness.....I made decisions several years ago, that hurt my family...my kids, my parents and most importantly my wife...decisions that almost cost me my marriage to Shawna. For some reason she held on...most women would have ran away as fast as they could possibly go. Was it a mid-life crisis?? was I pushed into those decisions?? No, I was just stupid and let the evil of the world get inside my head and tell me that "it's ok...everyone does it"...."don't worry about it".....etc...
We went to wonderful Christian counselor who helped us tremendously...W.K....I will always be grateful. But this issue of forgiveness was a terrible burden for me to bear. A burden that quite literally held me back from being a Christian. After re-dedicating my life to the Lord several months ago, I finally realized that no sin was too big for our God to bear. Jesus died for my sons....ALL OF THEM. It took me awhile to realize this but I think i finally understand and even though I am totally un-worthy of that kind of sacrifice, I accept it.
I've thougth about that terrible night when Shawna found out and I had to confess to her what happened, and if she would have reacted the way most people would have reacted, how much different my life would be right now. Austin would have never surprised us. I more than likely would not have found my way back into Church...I wouldn't be able to see my beautiful daughter every day. Those thougths scare me to death. So Jesus obviosuly comforted her and allowed her the strength to get through that time and even the strength to pray for me. I will never be able to make Shawna know how thankful I am for that.
When you mess up and things become public, it is really hard to keep your head up. When you see the look in the eyes of your kids when you mess up to that extent, it is hard take. My boys forgave me, even though they don't understand why I did what I did. It was hard for me to accept that i had to ask my boys to do as I say not as I do. Tough pill to swallow.
All that is water under the bridge as they say......things are great in my life and i finally understand and accept the forgiveness that has been offered to me. I continue my walk and even though there will be occasional bumps in the road, I have noticed that I am much more apt to pray when things get rough than complain. Not sure why i went back and discussed several years ago...just felt like it was important enough I guess.
Wow...this is not how I intended this Blog to go...I'm a private person and details of my short comings are tough for me to share. But in the spirit of opening up my life, i will type the words that God puts in my heart.
In Christ
Kevin
03/27/12
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